Catholic Dating: True love waits…and waits…
In this series I’m trying to examine some of the issues and problems within the Catholic dating world. However, before I get underway with today’s post I would like very briefly to reply to an important question which was raised in response to an earlier post. The question was asked, is there actually even a problem here to address?!
I would suggest that we do indeed have a problem. In addition to anecdotal evidence, there is statistical data to demonstrate that there are fewer and fewer marriages taking place today, even among practising Catholics:
This decline has far reaching consequences, both for Catholic schools and parishes, as well as for Catholic culture and the Church’s witness to the world. If you would like to read about this further then I would recommend this article by Msgr. Pope.
Choice and Commitment
So with that issue addressed, let’s return to the main question of this series: why aren’t more Catholic guys asking girls out on dates? One possible answer might be because many guys are in no hurry to settle down.
Society today praises choice. With regards to commitment, we are urged to be cautious: “Don’t commit yourself!”, “Someone better might be just around the corner!”, “Leave yourself an escape!”. I would suggest that, because of this, some guys refrain from dating in a misguided attempt to keep their options open (there is a related dynamic here on the part of the ladies, but I plan to deal with that in a later post).
To make matters worse, do we sometimes hear a message from the Church that can sound somewhat similar? In the Catholic Church, marriage is a Sacrament, something serious, important, binding and lifelong. We are therefore often urged to move with great caution. Additionally, with broken marriages all around us, isn’t it sensible to be extremely careful in selecting a future spouse?
I think there is good sense in caution, but have we gone too far? Are we encouraged to wait too long?
Extended Adolescence
Today’s society has some “interesting” lessons for young adults, particularly for men. I would suggest that men are not forced to grow up in the way they were in previous generations. Previously, the path into adulthood was fairly clearly defined: education, occupation, marriage and then kids.
However, now adolescence is extended well into a guy’s twenties and thirties. During these years he can continue to behave like a teenager, but with the advantage of having a disposable income and no parental supervision! Whereas in the past he might have put his first paycheck towards an engagement ring, his fiancée’s wedding dress or a house deposit, he now puts it towards a new X-Box for himself.
I would like to make it extremely clear that the above description certainly does not hold true for many of the excellent men of my acquaintance. However, I would submit that the behaviour I’m describing is far from rare.
As well as there being far less societal pressure to find a wife, biology is also on the man’s side since he is able to sire children for many years to come. This is a luxury that women, unfortunately, do not have.
Catalyst for change
What is to be done about this? Although this is a complicated issue in society at large, I think that it could be more easily remedied by those who are already married.
If those who are husbands got alongside their single male friends, they could be a real catalyst for change. This is because those who have already received the Sacrament of Matrimony are in the best position to show to others the joy that is to be found there. For example, a while ago a friend of mine wrote to me these words:
“I cannot begin to express how blessed I am to be married to [my wife]. God had already blessed me in life and in marriage He has heaped blessings on top of blessings. She fills my heart with…joy…laughter and loves me abundantly. And now I have the profound joy to share with her God’s gift of new life in [our children], …a great joy and blessing”
How encouraging is that?! I have another married friend who is constantly telling me to hurry up, find a nice girl and get married. He says that, once I’ve done this, I’ll finally be able to be as happy as he is! 🙂
The article Catholic Dating: True love waits…and waits… first appeared on RestlessPilgirm.net
… because your well-intentioned married friend thinks you’re unhappy? That marriage is THE fulfillment of your happiness? Come now, the wedding feast of the Lamb is the fulfillment of your (and my, and all our) happiness. If marriage is the vocation that gets you (and me, and more of us) there, then right on! 🙂
Ah, good qualification. Yes, marriage isn’t everyone’s vocation and getting married won’t solve all your problems and automatically make you happy.
However, out of the different vocations, most people will be called to marriage. Guys are much more likely to want to get married if the beauty of the Sacrament is regularly on display and they are encouraged by those who have already taken the plunge (I think you can probably guess the identity of the guy I talk about at the end).
Finally, I’m a little disappointed that you didn’t describe Heaven as a lake of beer…c’mon man! #StBrigid
The Irish version of the Wedding Feast of the Lamb… a lake of beer offered to the Bridegroom… Christ… Thank you St. Brigid of Kildare.
I should like a great lake of beer for the King of Kings.
I should like the angels of Heaven to be drinking it through time eternal.
I should like excellent meats of belief and pure piety.
I should like the men of Heaven at my house.
I should like barrels of peace at their disposal.
I should like for them cellars of mercy.
I should like cheerfulness to be their drinking.
I should like Jesus to be there among them.
I should like the three Marys of illustrious renown to be with us.
I should like the people of Heaven, the poor, to be gathered around from all parts.
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Great post!
“Keeping your options open”: yes, it would seem as though that is the theme among many men and women and I would agree we have gone a bit too far. It is unfortunate that the scale has grossly tipped to an extreme in my opinion. To say the least, simply because it fosters a sense of “coasting it” or “dabbling” in and out of communities, study groups, interests, etc. We seem to get stuck or caught in the “in-between time” of boy meets girl; supplementing ourselves with countless friends, activities and ministries. Our relational needs our met through all the different venues and so is our call to serve; so I can see why someone would not feel compelled to pursue a relationship.
Perhaps before we know it, we have coasted and drifted far away from solid ground. In many instances we find ourselves facing missed opportunities feeling unfulfilled and out of luck. Much related to your earlier post that someone else will properly pursue or be open to a proper pursuit. As we see more and more of the “extended adolescence” – men and women perhaps default in their conclusions that they too should not seek a relationship… yet.
Perhaps if we can reiterate the Divine Truth of the creation of man and women as witnessed to us by the joy found in married couples, we will find encouragement and/or perhaps much needed renewed hope. Once the beautiful Truth is assimilated in our hearts, we can then begin to replace the concept of “Keeping your options open” with “courtship” as explained to us at last month’s St. Maria Goretti Mass. After all, is that not the model used for 50+ years of marriage? ;o)
Peace and Christ
Thanks for your thoughts Catalina 🙂
I do agree with much of what you’re saying.
But be careful, because the other end of the pendulum’s swing can be damaging as well: rushing into marriage.
Often, men think that being able to commit to a girl is a hallmark of the type of man they want to be (and any “nice girl” will do, provided she’s just as eager to “settle down”). So they propose after knowing a girl for just a couple months or so, thinking they’ve proven to themselves and everyone else that they’ve “grown up” and are not living out that extended adolescence. Sometimes this works out just fine (although I would say that it is a type of using someone for your own benefit). More often, it does not. As Ma Ingalls says in “Little House on the Prairie”: “Marry in haste, repent in leisure.”
Just looking at anecdotal evidence, it seems to me that perhaps that accounts a bit for why there were so many more marriages back in the 50s: people rushed into many of those marriages because that was just “the next step”, or perhaps the culture expected them to wait UNTIL marriage, but don’t tempt fate by waiting FOR marriage too long (“hurry and get married before you fornicate”). Many of them failed (and by “failed” I don’t just mean “ended in divorce”, but also “made themselves and everyone around them miserable for the next fifty years”. Just as the absence of war isn’t peace, the absence of divorce isn’t success in marriage.)
In my opinion, marriage requires a two pronged discernment: 1) am I called to marriage? and 2) am I called to marriage with this particular person? Not in a “soul-mate” kind of thing, but really discerning whether or not this person is someone with whom you can make a good team for the difficult work of creating a family (“Love is all you need…” Bull, I say. There are different kinds of love. Only one type is suited for building a family). There are probably far more people in this world with whom you could be reasonably happy married to than with whom you would entrust your children’s formation. You’re not just picking a spouse, you’re picking your children’s parent. So it’s not just about whether or not you can commit, but whether also you can commit the care of your children to this person. And for that, you do need quite a bit of time to discern. In my own life, I was seriously seeing a guy when I was about twenty but realized in the process of getting to know him and how he viewed the world, that, happy as I could see myself with him, wonderfully though he treated me, he didn’t have what it would take to be a great dad. If I’d just been thinking in terms of a spousal relationship, we’d probably have gotten married. But (thanks be to God) I was thinking in terms of parenting as well. I think many people forget this part. You can see this play out in many marriages – things are pretty okay, until there’s a kid. Then the wife realizes the guy’s a feeb who can’t care for his own kids, or vice versa.
Perhaps what you are really saying is that guys need to enter into discernment about what their vocation is, not just dilly-dally playing video games and drinking beer. I don’t think you are actually saying guys should just “find a nice girl and get married.” Right….? : ).
Just one more thing – the picture you posted of the guy playing video games and the exasperated girl watching him – look at their hands. They’ve got rings on…Maybe he did just “find a nice girl and get married.” But he forgot to grow up first.
>Perhaps what you are really saying is that guys need to enter into discernment about what their vocation is, not just dilly-dally playing video games and drinking beer. I don’t think you are actually saying guys should just “find a nice girl and get married.” Right….? : ).
Right. I’m not suggesting to just head out to the next Young Adult event, find someone who doesn’t complete repulse you and immediately go ring shopping. I was simply trying to counter balance the excessive “keep your options open” mindset which I think has deeply taken root.
(I’ll be coming back to the question of discernment in a later post)
>Just one more thing – the picture you posted of the guy playing video games and the exasperated girl watching him – look at their hands. They’ve got rings on…Maybe he did just “find a nice girl and get married.” But he forgot to grow up first.
hahaha! Good catch – I hadn’t noticed!
> Just looking at anecdotal evidence, it seems to me that perhaps that accounts a bit for why there were so many more marriages back in the 50s: people rushed into many of those marriages because that was just “the next step”, or perhaps the culture expected them to wait UNTIL marriage, but don’t tempt fate by waiting FOR marriage too long…
I think your suspicions here are valid. However, I would suggest that we have now swung to the other extreme, putting off marriage and family almost indefinitely. I think we need to return to a more balanced view, somewhere between the two extremes.
>In my own life, I was seriously seeing a guy when I was about twenty but realized in the process of getting to know him and how he viewed the world, that, happy as I could see myself with him, wonderfully though he treated me, he didn’t have what it would take to be a great dad…
Thanks for sharing some of your journey here. I think your observation is a really important one. After all, first comes love, second comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage…
On a related note, a friend once told me that he knew he had chosen wisely in marriage when, while his wife was pregnant with their first child, he keep having thoughts like “I really hope our child inherits her gentleness… I do hope our child has her kind of faith…”
“If those who are husbands got alongside their single male friends, they could be a real catalyst for change. This is because those who have already received the Sacrament of Matrimony are in the best position to show to others the joy that is to be found there.”
Problem is, where are all the married dudes? I don’t really see that many in this community. Seems like couples get married and rarely attend any more events or stop coming altogether which is of course understandable. Or maybe I’m blind which is always a possibility. 😛
Upon leaving a wedding, I remember joking “Well, that’s the last I’ll see of those two…”. However, it’s understandable that a couple’s priorities will change once they marry. When someone gets married, and particularly once he has children, he has far less time on his hands to come to all the Young Adult social events.
However, even if family life brings with it some constraints on time, Catholics still go to church! Look around your parish and make friends with married couples. I’m sure they’ll love to meet you. After all, they’ll be on the lookout of babysitters… 😉
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I want a shirt that says “I haven’t played a video game since 1996” so that folks stop assuming that that’s why I’m single.
Personally? I lost a lot of time for college in my early twenties to chronic heath issues (great how redemptive suffering as a form of worship, bad for maintaining friendships or having dates), then was tasked* with taking care of my elderly father when my mother died. So, now I’m stuck in my home county** where my field has no jobs, so I have a poor-paying alternative, and I’m in a substitute graduate program — neither a current or long-term attraction for women, despite my apostolic work for the parish or my daily mass and adoration attendance.
*An honest-to-God deathbed vow!
** My brothers who left the church all had good relationships with my father from his end, but they left fled the area, got married, and got high-paying jobs; leaving me with everything at home — despite my lack of funds, I’m living in a small apartment *near* my old home, given how my father (he and my mother had a “stay together for the kids” fractious marriage, and he to this day cannot stand how like her I am, despite all that I do for him — so I can’t live under the same roof with him, partially for my own safety, since he drinks heavily despite my best efforts otherwise).
Some of us are single probably because we grew up too fast and never got the chance to learn to interact with others in any sort of positive manner — those of us who did night school for college and never had any dates and the sheer minimum of friends, not to mention broken families that made us learn to take care of ourselves within stopping to scrape the growing armor around our heart off.
Marriage is just living with someone you really care and vice versa, once youre done w being single you are done, dont over analyze it, if you pick a good mate and you both have prepared financially and emotionally it will be fine. Dating is multiple steps of preparation including a variety of friends as support, dont stay too long in one phase of life, you get obsolete as men who play video games 24/7. Once you pass the singleness, you know personal freedom is so overrated. Dont ask how, you will get there, man has biological clock too. Being married is as good as being single, just on different side. If you want it, go for it, dont let what others want or do not want at one point in THEIR time define yours. Dont let the past hurts define you either. If it takes longer for you to trust yourself to find a good mate for lack of knowledge or complicated background, it doesnt matter, but having excuses would be blocking you to move closer.
One reader commented that there is a relevant passage in AMORIS LAETITIA, the document from Pope Francis which speaks to the danger of selfishness in the single life:
“162. Celibacy can risk becoming a comfortable single life that provides the freedom to be inde- pendent, to move from one residence, work or option to another, to spend money as one sees t and to spend time with others as one wants. In such cases, the witness of married people be- comes especially eloquent.”