Tag: The Bogwash Epistles

The Bogwash Epistles: Epistle #2

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Music: Moonlight Hall Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

My dear Bogwash,

In my previous letter I asked you to make an effort to understand what makes your Patient tick and to probe him for weaknesses which we may exploit. Unfortunately, all you presented me with was several pages of drivel, full of useless information and ridiculous speculation. I expect to see a better effort in your next correspondence.

I see from reading your Patient’s file that his recent renewed allegiance to the Enemy was brought about through the chaplain at the university. That priest is well known to us, my dear Bogwash, well known indeed! He is a formidable warrior in the service of the Enemy. Oh, the problems that man has caused for us over the years! Plans have been underway for some time to limit his effect on the souls at that institution of learning. I hear that an experienced task force of tempters was recently assigned to his case. We have yet to find a way to ruin him, but trust me, we will…

Fortunately for you, your Patient will soon be graduating and his contact with that man will soon be limited. With graduation comes a time of change and flux and this period has great potential for us. There is always the risk that during this time of uncertainty your Patient will come to trust more in the Enemy, but it is also a wonderful opportunity for us, a perfect time to encourage him to cast off childish things…such as his newfound religion. Do your best to remind him of all the ways this new faith will limit his freedom and his enjoyment of the new, exciting world of adult life.

You Patient will soon be leaving the protective womb of the University Chaplaincy and enter the wider world.  Once he has left the university, even if he persists in the service of the Enemy for a time, he will soon face many new trials which will almost certainly abort this nascent faith. Outside of the walls of the Chaplaincy he will encounter something truly terrifying – the typical Catholic parish!

Your primary task at this time is to quickly stunt the growth of this renewed faith. This requires a two-pronged approach.  Firstly, your must do your best to alienate him from the Christian community, isolating him from his brethren who will support, encourage and guide him. On his own he will not last long. Fortunately, as I said, he will soon be moving into parish life, so this task may be done for you with very little assistance required on your part. Secondly, it must be your priority to cut him off from all the sources of strength given to him by the Enemy, in particular, the Sacraments and that abominable Eucharist. In my next letter, I will begin address the steps to be taken to eradicate, or at the very least diminish, the impact of those Sacraments upon the Patient.

Your affectionate mentor,

Professor Slubgob

The Bogwash Epistles: Epistle #1

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Music: Moonlight Hall Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

My dear Bogwash,

It is indeed an interesting twist of fate, that on the eve of being assigned your human, the Patient makes a decision to embrace with renewed vigor his dormant childhood faith. It is standard policy here at the Training College to assign to our undergraduates (due to their inexperience) those humans who are generally weak in faith, so this recent development is indeed unfortunate.

But while you received the misfortune to be assigned this particular Patient, you have also been extremely fortunate to receive me as your Tutor. We have been rather short-staffed at the College recently and, as such, I have been told to instruct some of you undergraduates personally. This task is, quite frankly, beneath me…but you and I both know that Our Father Below is unaccustomed to being denied. Regardless, if you follow my expert tutelage, we will swiftly crush your Patient’s newfound devotion to the Enemy. If you do as I say and handle him rightly, we will soon have him returning to his former trajectory towards Our Father’s House Below.

In these preliminary stages of temptation you must concentrate your efforts on coming to understand the Patient. What kind of man is he? What are his weaknesses? And more importantly, is he aware of these weaknesses? The less he knows of them the better! I expect a full report in your next letter.

Although the situation is of some concern, we should not panic. Many Catholics have, at some point, renewed the practice of their faith, but ultimately lasted only for but a brief season.

Your Patient has woken up.  It is your job to gently lull him back to sleep.

Your affectionate mentor,

Professor Slubgob.

The Bogwash Epistles: Introduction

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It has been well-known for some time that written exchanges between demons may, on occasion, be intercepted. A well-known collection of such communications was previously compiled and made available to the public back in the 1940’s. A new series of writings has recently come into my own possession. How this came about is not important, but I will be publishing them here over the coming months.

If you are familiar with the previously-released correspondence between Screwtape and his nephew Wormwood, you will no doubt recognize the author’s name on these new letters. They were penned by Screwtape’s “friend”, Slubgob, the head of Hell’s Training College for Demons.

In the years since the publishing of Screwtape’s letters, things in Hell have changed somewhat. Following some “anonymous” complaints about the operation of the Training College, the institution’s study program has received something of shake up. Would-be tempters are now sent “into the field” as part of their final year of training. Under the watchful eye of an experienced Tempter, the students are now assigned a “patient”, a human to tempt, in order to put into practice what they have learnt in the classroom. If a demon is successful, and secures the soul in his charge, he then qualifies for graduation and attains the sought-after rank of “Junior Tempter”.  The letters which will be published here are Slubgob’s instructions to such a trainee, the undergraduate tempter named “Bogwash”.

The collection of Screwtape’s letters was prefixed with a warning and I would like to repeat that same warning here.  Please remember that Satan has always been a liar and a deceiver. Likewise, not everything Slubgob says is true, even from his own twisted, upside-down perspective. Even demons are susceptible to self-deception and they can often be blinded by their hate of all that is good, true and beautiful.

David Bates, San Diego, October 2013.