Catholic Dating: True love waits…and waits…

In this series I’m trying to examine some of the issues and problems within the Catholic dating world. However, before I get underway with today’s post I would like very briefly to reply to an important question which was raised in response to an earlier post. The question was asked, is there actually even a problem here to address?!

I would suggest that we do indeed have a problem. In addition to anecdotal evidence, there is statistical data to demonstrate that there are fewer and fewer marriages taking place today, even among practising Catholics:

Marriage-trends

This decline has far reaching consequences, both for Catholic schools and parishes, as well as for Catholic culture and the Church’s witness to the world. If you would like to read about this further then I would recommend this article by Msgr. Pope.

Choice and Commitment

So with that issue addressed, let’s return to the main question of this series: why aren’t more Catholic guys asking girls out on dates? One possible answer might be because many guys are in no hurry to settle down.

Society today praises choice. With regards to commitment, we are urged to be cautious: “Don’t commit yourself!”, “Someone better might be just around the corner!”, “Leave yourself an escape!”. I would suggest that, because of this, some guys refrain from dating in a misguided attempt to keep their options open (there is a related dynamic here on the part of the ladies, but I plan to deal with that in a later post).

To make matters worse, do we sometimes hear a message from the Church that can sound somewhat similar? In the Catholic Church, marriage is a Sacrament, something serious, important, binding and lifelong. We are therefore often urged to move with great caution. Additionally, with broken marriages all around us, isn’t it sensible to be extremely careful in selecting a future spouse?

I think there is good sense in caution, but have we gone too far? Are we encouraged to wait too long?

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Catholic Dating: Friends First

Continuing our discussion concerning the Christian dating scene, today I would like to talk about “Friends First” dating. I would like to ruminate over some of the advantages of this approach, but I would also like to discuss some of the potential pitfalls, at least as I see them.

In Christian formation and catechesis, you often hear praise of romantic relationships which were first based on friendship, before the addition of a romantic component. This is what is known as “Friends First” dating.

FriendsThe approach certainly has much to commend itself. After all, it makes sense to get to know someone, that person’s character, personality, interests etc., prior to the big rush of hormones and emotions that come with dating. The “high” that comes from being in a relationship can leave one blind to the warning signs. It’s not hard to find examples of what happens when someone rushes headlong into dating and becomes so emotionally entangled with the other person that it becomes extremely difficult to deal with problems in the relationship, or even to recognize when problems exist.

I know plenty of people who have got together through physical attraction and initial chemistry, only to find out a month or two down the line that there isn’t really anything else on which to base the relationship. To their shock, they realize that the other person is not the person they thought at all! After all, it’s not too hard to “hide the crazy” for the first few months… 😉

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Catholic Dating: Not wanting to be “that guy”

In recent posts I’ve been sharing my thoughts about the question often asked by Catholic females, “Why doesn’t that nice Catholic boy ask me out?”

In my last post I wrote about how the fear of rejection plays a significant part in the answer to this question. In addition, I suggested that a warped sense of Christian masculinity contributes to the problem and that all this is exacerbated by the close communal nature of faith groups.

Today I’d like to continue looking at this issue and examine briefly another of the reasons why Catholic guys tend not to ask out Catholic girls as often as they perhaps should. In today’s post I would propose that guys sometimes fail to do so because they don’t want to be that guy.

In each Catholic community I’ve belonged to, there has always been that guy. You know who I mean? I’m talking about the player. He’s the guy who’s always scanning the pews at the Young Adult Mass or Bible Study, keeping an eye out for any new arrivals. As soon as a new girl turns up, you can guarantee he’ll be the one jumping in to offer her a warm welcome to the parish…which’ll quite likely involve a dinner and a romantic drive by sunset beach…

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Catholic Dating: Fear of rejection

So, earlier today I wrote that I wanted to resurrect the abandoned blog series I began last year. I wanted to finally return to address the question I’ve so often heard asked about Catholic guys: why do they seem so averse to asking girls out on dates?

I would suggest that the main reason is simply fear of rejection.

It’s a pretty basic answer, but I think that this is all-too-often the reason why the Catholic guys I know haven’t dated more. This reason applies to non-Catholic men as well, of course, but I think there are some uniquely complicating factors for Catholics and I’ll talk about those in a bit.

Living Dangerously

Asking someone out is not exactly a stress-free activity. It involves risk. It involves “putting yourself out there” and risking  rejection. Sometimes that rejection can be swift and direct (“Sorry, but no thank you”), sometimes laced with platitudes (“You’re really special, but I think of you as more of a brother”) and sometimes you’ll just be ignored. However, in the mind of a guy there is always the irrational fear that it’d be cold and brutal (“You want to go on a date? Ewh! Ewh! Get away from me!”).

This fear of being shot-down is very real for a lot of guys, particularly those of the more sensitive variety. The lack of confidence and fear of rejection can lead to a paralyzing insecurity.

rejection

Asking someone out requires courage and willingness to be vulnerable, but I think there are two complicating factors which are unique for Christian men… Read more

Catholic Dating: Let’s try this again…

A long, long time ago I announced that I was writing a series of posts which would attempt to respond to a question which I have heard asked in frustration by many of my female Catholic friends concerning my brothers in the Faith: “Why doesn’t that nice Catholic boy ask me out?”

Despite having received a lively response to my original blog entry, it is well over a year later and I have posted nothing further on the subject 🙁

Now, I did begin sketching out a few initial articles, but unfortunately I soon began to feel rather nervous, unsure as to how such posts would be received, particularly by those within my immediate Church family. So, to cut a long story short, I chickened out. I stopped working on them and didn’t publish anything further on the subject.

And in case you were wondering, no, the irony of this was not lost on me…

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