Dateless: Something Something Relationships
Last week I wrote a short post saying that I was soon going to try and tackle a question I often hear asked among my female friends:
“Why doesn’t that nice Catholic boy ask me out?”
I wrote that blog entry announcement partially to ensure that I didn’t chicken out! The subject of relationships and dating is tricky and it’s inevitable that many people would not agree with my conclusions. I’ve tried to do this series a couple of times before but I always managed to find something else to do instead. By publicly saying that I’m going to do it, I’m making sure that I actually will…
Reactions
I have to say, I found the reactions to my initial post rather amusing.
Before posting that entry, I posted another article earlier that morning. That article took me over four hours to write and contained detailed commentary of the upcoming Sunday Mass Readings. On the other hand, it took me only fifteen minutes to write the entry about dating yet, once published, my blog traffic rocketed…
The ToT Effect
A while ago I started calling this phenomenon the “ToT Effect”. I had noticed that in every Theology on Tap series, the “relationship” talk was always the most popular. My friends over at Good Shepherd Parish even utilized the “ToT Effect” when they organized their ice skating trip, entitling the Facebook event:
Something Something Relationships: GSYAM Ice Skating Fundraiser
Why did they call it that? In the Event Details they explained:
“…if you’re wondering why the event title is so… awesome, know that it’s been realized that any church event that we’ve gone to that has had the word ‘relationships’ in its title has been well attended…”
What is the cause of the “ToT Effect”? Sure, everyone is interested in the subject of relationships, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s something more than that. Perhaps it’s partly because we know that, at least when it comes to romantic relationships, something isn’t quite right within our Catholic community…
Given the number of single people of appropriate age, shouldn’t we expect to see more couples, or at the very least more dating? Do we see the “ToT Effect” because we realise that we have a problem that needs to be addressed?
Facebook Comments
I posted a link to the blog entry on Facebook and some of the comments people wrote were just brilliant:
David Bates has posted “Why doesn’t that nice Catholic boy ask me out?”
– “Because he’s either discerning the priesthood, or he’s dating a nice Protestant girl”
– “I cant wait to hear the cold hard truth of these next few blogs bro”
I’ve written the first few entries in this series but they’re currently being examined by my lawyers 😉 . I’ll probably post one next week, but until then I’ll leave you to guess which one of the above comments was left by a girl and which was left by a guy… 😀
Don’t want to steal any of your thunder, but I would like to chime in.
The cause of the “ToT Effect” is an easy answer in my mind. People are very eager to enter a good, wholesome, fulfilling relationship, and they are looking for opportunities for this is happen. Going to a Theology on Tap is a good place as any to start.
As to why a lot of us part of Catholic Young Adult community are failing at romantic relationships, I can come up with a few reasons off the top of my head.
Where people are at in their spiritual life wide and varied. Especially in the Young Adult community. From those who just entered the Catholic Church, to those coming back after college, to those who those who always been active. What people are looking for at these Young Adult events are complicated enough, now to put romantic relationships on top of it all may not be such a great idea. Needs to be done in a very Catholic way, yet we are still struggling often to be Catholic.
Another thing is a sense of fear, not only the fear of rejection from the intended target of affection, but rejection from the Young Adult Community. At any part of the relationship it could end poorly, and reflect poorly on the individuals involved. The community is rather close, but in the case of relationships it can be an issue. With the fear of being rejected from a community that has helped you get closer to God, it’s not hard to understand why it might not be a good idea to risk it on a romantic relationship.
Thanks for chiming in!
Last paragraph… BOOM… nail on the head.
Yeah, this is going to be one of the main points I’ve focused on in my own analysis. There are some very distinct dynamics which manifest themselves when dating within a community. It’s something which I don’t think is often appreciated by the ladies.
Having said that, it’s still not really a legitimate excuse and I think there are some things on both sides of the gender divide that can be done to make this less of an issue…
The plot thickens! Bum-bum-bummmmmmmm…
heheh…bum…
[snigger]
Who says boys are immature? 😉
Continuing on that topic of that last paragraph, it’s not only the responsibility of the couple to conduct themselves appropriately, but their friends and family must act appropriately as well. Providing the right balance of support and distance. At the beginning, during, and if it wasn’t meant to be the end and all it’s aftermath.
To throw in 2 cents as a single Catholic male, there are a few conflicting pressures that exist in our community with regards to this topic.
1) Generally, there is a push in our society to grow the equality of men and women in various roles. This is having an overflow into what traits in a woman a man is looking for. One trait that seems to be on the rise is a strong willed and independent woman.
2) Within the Catholic community, there is a push among women to regain a portion of our culture that includes and promotes chivalry and respect between a man and a woman.
3) Many Catholic men are fighting the uphill battle against what society defines as “being a man.”
With all three of these pressures continually circulating amongst our community, many of the men that I have interacted with struggle to discern when and where to initiate a potential romantic relationship with another woman in the community. Add that pressure to the pressure that has always existed in this realm and you have a debilitating cocktail of stress. It is no wonder “why that nice Catholic boy won’t ask” someone out.
My thought is that a portion of the burden in initiating a relationship should also be on women. As with later in the relationship, it is a two way street.
Ladies, help us out. If you are interested, say something to us or be the one to ask us out. Yes, it is scary and you don’t know what we will say, how we will react or if it will effect our relationship as friends, but those are the exact fears we already deal with.
As disciples of Christ, we have been called to rise above the pressures of society and discern what the correct action should be, but we, as men, need the help of the entirety of the community to remain true to the standard that you, as women, hold for us.
Where can I find the rest of these?
I never posted them, but as good fortune would have it, I’ve finally returned to the half-complete drafts I wrote and at least one will be posted next week.
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