OCD: Curse and Blessing
Earlier this week I produced a summary of a paper written by Dr. Daniel G. Amen about combating Automatic Negative Thoughts. I decided that today I’d add something of an addendum to that post and talk a little bit about my experiences with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
OCD is an anxiety disorder in which the sufferers have repeated, unwanted thoughts which compel them to perform certain actions which provide relief from the unwanted thoughts. This relief, however, is only temporary and the feelings, unbidden, soon return. The OCD mind then demands that the actions be performed once again. The actions quickly become ritualistic, increasingly elaborate and need to be repeated over and over again with increasing frequency in order to relieve the sufferer’s mind.
Public Consciousness
Although I have no data to back it up, I would suggest that in recent years OCD awareness has increased. Growing up, I never recall hearing it mentioned but it now appears to be part of common parlance and often (incorrectly) used to describe anyone who is detail-oriented or perhaps even just a little quirky.
The subject of OCD has even featured in several films. For example, although I have not seen it, I am told that there is an OCD sufferer in the newly-released movie Silver Linings Playbook. If anyone has seen it, please tell me what you thought of it in the Comments section below.
An older film you may have seen is As Good As It Gets, a really enjoyable and generally lighthearted movie starring Jack Nicholson. The movie uses the OCD of Nicholson’s character as a source of comedy which I think was quite a gutsy thing to attempt, but in my opinion it was executed quite well.
It is Leoardo Di Caprio, however, who I think truly gives the audience a sense of the torment experienced by the Obsessive Compulsive in his movie The Aviator, which tells the story of the legendary director and aviator Howard Hughes. I thoroughly recommend it.
The Curse
I personally developed OCD during my teenage years although, looking back, I can see traces of the tendency earlier in my life. I remember as a little kid being afraid of burglars and, because of this, I quite often went around the house after everyone had gone to bed in order to check the locks to make sure that my family and I were safe.
However, it was during my stressful teenage years that the OCD really started to manifest itself. It began slowly. I began double-checking the doors before going to bed or leaving the house. I then started triple-checking…and then quadruple-checking. I started checking the windows too. As the number of checks grew and grew, the time it took to leave the house grew longer and longer. It is hard to explain how debilitating and exhausting it is having your mind torment you into acting this way.
As bad as the lock checking became, the obsession which really troubled me was the issue of cleanliness, especially hand-washing. Like the lock checking, it grew over time. I began by washing my hands more thoroughly than I had previously. I then started to not just wash and dry my hands once, but several times over. I increased the temperature of the water to the point where the heat really began to hurt my hands. My skin became dry, cracked and really rather gross. Anything which I felt that could possibly contain germs would only be handled with facial tissues.
All this I managed to hide from my friends and family with great effectiveness. This, of course, only served to exacerbate the problem as it isolated me from those who cared about me and would have been able to help me.
The Healing
It took a long time for the tide to turn on my OCD and I would have very much benefited from the advice of Dr. Amen found in my earlier post. I had to spend a lot of time rooting out the emotional issues which had caused the OCD to flourish in the first place. This took time, a lot of time. The Lord brought good friends into my life who helped build up my sense of self worth and confidence in myself, which helped a great deal.
Like someone quitting smoking, I slowly cut down my habit, reducing the frequency of my repetitive actions bit-by-bit. This wasn’t easy. Rather than washing my hands multiple times I would just breath deeply for several minutes.
The big lesson I had to learn was that my thoughts and feelings did not necessarily reflect reality; sometimes they lied. In an effort to counteract these shadowy whispers in my head I would have to look at myself in the mirror and then, slowly and deliberately, say out loud “Your hands are clean. Everything is fine“. I would then quietly repeat “Come Holy Spirit” until I was completely calm. I would touch my hands to my face very clearly prove to myself that my hands were not covered in some mysterious contagion.
As I grew stronger I started to put myself into situations in which I would have to deal directly with germs or uncleanliness. I would clean toilets. I spent time around the homeless. I would visit friends who were sick. I began to confront my fears directly to prove to myself that they were illusionary and unfounded.
The Blessing
The effect that all this had on my spiritual life was ultimately extremely beneficial. Having OCD made me more sensitive than I otherwise would have been to the issue of mental health. For this I am grateful. It turns out that, that like other unpleasant things which I’ve experienced, it has helped form me and make me who I am today. I would not like to be have been without such experiences.
The other effect of having OCD is that it forced me to reach a point where I had to admit that I couldn’t just “pull myself together”. I had to admit that I was weak, that I needed help, that I needed God. He didn’t just zap me and take away the OCD though. Instead, it was a day-by-day journey, I had to keep trusting Him, regularly praying “Come Holy Spirit!” and asking for His strength:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” …
– 2 Corinthians 12:9
The OCD has never gone away completely. I actually don’t think it ever will. Having said that, I no longer obsessively wash my hands. I don’t constantly recheck locks and windows. However, when I’m stressed or overtired, it begins to return. You might think that this is a terrible thing, but I actually view it as a blessing.
As soon as I notice my symptoms return, it is like an early warning system, my body letting me know that something is stressing me out, either consciously or unconsciously, and needs attention. More importantly though, this early warning system drives me back to prayer. It reminds me not to trust too much in my own ability or strength but to listen to the Voice of Truth and trust in the Lord.
…Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
– 2 Corinthians 12:9
Wow, that is awesome. God has really revealed Himself to you through your distress and turned it into a way to bless others.
There are very few who have found their way down that torturous road to the end that God desires. I applaud you for your willingness to surrender your thoughts to Him and His will!
It is amazing how God reveals the depth of His love for us when we have the courage to trust Him with the outcome enough to persevere through the unknown and often SCARY path laid out before us, until He has wrought the miracle inside of us that He desired all along. I believe it is what the scriptures mean when they say we are to be transformed us into the image of Christ!
It seems it is our realization of our own depravity coupled with God’s ability to forgive us of our most grievous failings that produces the kind of compassion inside of us that Christ had.
I hope that made sense!
Anyway, it gives me great joy to see our Father at work in your life and how He is transforming you into a life giving Spirit!
Dave
Thanks Dave. Welcome to Restless Pilgrim 🙂
I both read the book and saw the movie version of “The Silver Linings Playbook” (there were naturally some changes from the book, but not enough to bother me. There was also a lot of profanity in both, fyi). The main character, Pat, suffers from several things, OCD being one of them (bi-polar disorder is another), and the plot follows him as he works to overcome these challenges, as well as the (sometime misguided, albeit well-meaning) efforts of his family and friends as they try to help him heal and adjust.
Although a work of fiction, it doesn’t shy away from a lot of realistic seeming (I thought, anyway) struggles both he and his friends and family experience. Pat has to come to grips with his past actions, confront fears, find peace with a traumatic experience that serves as a catylyst for some of the plot, learn to trust again and to realize he can’t do it alone. Others in the film also learn to change some of their behaviors (Pat’s dad, who also has some OCD), so there is a fair amount of healing that takes place across the board.
And although there isn’t a faith element stated directly, there is a latent understanding that the family is Catholic (in a scene in the film that takes place in the family dining room, a picture of the Sacred Heart hangs on the wall, for instance).
There’s also a quirky love story in the plot, along with ballroom dancing and football elements. It sounds like a lot to cram into one movie (and it is), but it works. For such a serious topic, there are some comic moments, too. I enjoyed both the book and the film.
Ah, wonderful, thanks!
(BALLROOM DANCING!)
You’re welcome. 🙂 And yes, ballroom dancing!
I don’t know a lot of people who have seen it, actually, at least among my friends. The matinee I went to was me and a lot of retirees.
I currently have a dear friend with diagnosed OCD (not the ‘neat’ kind) who curses at me often, even after repeatedly promising me he gets it and he will stop. That and his distrust of me are the worst patterns. Also when he goes off his antidepressant he becomes unbearable for me. I need help. I don’t know much about this. I just typed in OCD and swearing and found you. Do you know anything about this? Thank you.
Hey Stacy,
I’m sorry, but I don’t know too much about that kind of OCD.
I would suggest that your friend would benefit from therapy, some kind of counselling or possibly Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). I’m sure sporadic use of anti-depressants won’t help either – consistent usage would be far better. If there is a desire to get off ant-depressants it should be done with medical guidance and at an agreed rate.
Other than that, I would recommend assembling a group of people who are invested in your friend. This way you have other people with whom you can talk about the issues. You won’t feel alone and you can encourage both one another, and your friend.
Please be assured of my prayers.
God bless,
David.
Thank you David, I copied your answer for my files. The problem with going to his friends is this (because I’ve tried); they see me as just complaining. He swears in front of them, but not AT them. He doesn’t have close friends, just family. The fact that he persists in calling me “F-ing retard”, “F-ing idiot” and “F-ing a-hole” even while it is driving me away and he doesn’t want to be left (again)-that is what leads me to think that it may be a form of OCD and/or Tourettes. I don’t know where I fit in in the OCD community at this point. I just want to try all I can while I am readying myself to leave. Swearing back at him doesn’t work, it bothers him, but he doesn’t learn from it. That’s why it seems like compulsion. It’s embarrassing to tell a stranger this but I guess I’m running out of ideas. After last winter’s dramatic near-breakdown, I started calling them his “dark moods”, because he’s sensitive to how I describe his behavior. He feels like I’m calling him crazy to people. Any ideas at all? Other places to submit all of this? Thank you so much!! ~Stacy
Remain in good contact with others who also care about him, be it friends or family.
Draw some lines – what you are willing to put up with and what you’re not willing to put up with.
Other than that, I’d again encourage him to see a solid counselor. However, he may not be open to this and, if that’s the case, there’s very little you can do to change his mind.
I think the important thing here is boundaries. As much as we want to help people, there is often very little we can do for them when they don’t want to be helped. It’s tough, difficult to accept, but it’s something that we need to remember…otherwise you’ll just end up burning yourself out and have someone else’s problems consume you. It has taken me a long time to learn this.
That’s the place I’m at now, and I’ve been setting boundaries left and right. But we are married so we’re a bit more connected than my friends/false friends. We’ve been to 3 different types of counselors. His family -well, they know he has a temper, but I’m looking like the crazy one I’m afraid. At our start I was trying hard to follow the biblical principle of headship. Maybe I was never good at it. At this point I’ve openly abandoned the headship principle. So I look like the crazy one to his family, it doesn’t seem much use to go to them, they don’t want to hear criticism, they’ll criticize me in response. Do I feel like I’m going crazy? Yes. But I will leave if I have to, even if it’s just a “separation’, not a divorce. I wish I knew the thing to do that would help him but I may have to let that hope go. Thank you for indulging me, I really haven’t found a thriving OCD support group online. ~Stacy
ps. We also tried where he would fill out sheets to help him analyze his reactions; they helped but I had to remind/nag him to do the work…
Thanks, Stacy
Being married certainly does complicate things, but (although I’m absolutely unqualified to say so) I think my suggestions still stand: make sure you have a good support network and have some clear boundaries. Dealing with any kind of problem is draining and has the danger of becoming all-consuming, and these strategies will help guard against that.
A few other (unqualified) thoughts:
* Even if couples therapy isn’t going well, perhaps continue going by yourself for the sake of your own well-being? The better placed you are, the more effectively you can help your husband.
* Encourage your husband to develop good relationships with godly men. Sometimes it’s just easier to talk to a buddy than it is to talk to your significant other. Sometimes a single comment from a peer can be far more effective than months of “nagging”.
* Pray together, even if it’s just an “Our Father”/”Glory Be” first thing in the morning or last thing at night.
* Hang in there.
God bless,
David.
David, Thank you for reaching back out to me one final time. I will keep everything you’ve said in my mind as I go on. I must be at the right point for change, because in the past I’ve been too paranoid about internet privacy to share this much. May God bless you,
Stacy
You’re welcome 🙂
You are giving a very narrow scope on OCD. You are talking about 1 limited end of the spectrum.
I went to extremely clean to extremely dirty for example. OCD manifests itself differently in everyone. My OCD started at the age of 7. Everyone out there with OCD. It’s good to read articles and forums on this disease. But you must understand OCD has many different levels and extremes. For myself, OCD had completely ruined my life. The fear I have every day was not solved with medicine or therapy. To those like me…I no longer believe in God. I believe OCD is a torture test with no end. It’s not just about turning lights on and off. Not just about washing your hands. The fear behind OCD and the underlying other mental issues makes the OCD level more or less. OCD does not exist alone. The depressive nature of a person is the outcome of the OCD and the other underlying disorders. When I was a child , no one ever heard of OCD. They had no idea how to identify it. Today every shrink asks about OCD. What I like about this article is ….in my 20’s when I saw the the movie as good as it gets…that’s the day I knew I had OCD. No shrink ever identified my problems. They simply said I was text book chronically depressed. There is no simple solution for OCD. It comes down to ….WHEN WILL YOU START TO CONFRONT 1 FEAR AND CONQUER IT! Then it’s what is next? OCD IS A CURSE.
Hey Matt,
Thanks for sharing your story. For me OCD wasn’t really coupled with anything else. I certainly have depressive tendencies, but I’ve seen clinical depression and know that what I have doesn’t come close to that.
Honestly I don’t know how I would have handled OCD and the various other trials of life without Jesus. He is the Rock, the Constant, the Voice of Truth. Even when I feel dirty, worthless, a mess, His Word reminds me of what is really true: I am His child, I am loved, and there is nothing that I will ever face alone.
I would definitely encourage you to give therapy and medicine another go. Maybe try a different therapist or doctor? One thing which I also found helpful as I was learning to let go of my compulsions was to close my eyes, breath slowly and recite something calming, such as the first part of Psalm 23:
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
There was a time when OCD was crippling my life. Now it’s exceptionally rare I even give it a second thought. There’s hope. Don’t give up, brother.
God bless,
David.
Pingback: S6E8 – OOTSP 7+8 – “Arrival” - Pints With Jack