“Why doesn’t that nice Catholic boy ask me out?”
Over the last year and a half of blogging I’ve pretty much restricted myself to theological issues. However, today I’ve decided to take my life into my own hands and finally start to address a question that I’ve often heard among my female friends: “Why doesn’t that nice Catholic boy ask me out?”
Now, the absence of a ring of my finger clearly demonstrates my distinct lack of “expert” status in this area. However, I don’t think this deprives me from offering at least some insight. In fact, in some ways, I would almost go so far as to say that it makes me supremely qualified in this area, much in the same way that the Captain of the Titanic would be well-qualified to teach a course entitled “Stuff not to do near icebergs”.
So, in a service to Christian women everywhere, I would like to offer, over a series of posts, some of the possible reasons why that nice Catholic boy doesn’t ask you out and, hopefully, what’s to be done about it.
I do feel, however, like I have to give something of a disclaimer first. The “reasons” that I’m going to give will come from a variety of sources. Some of these reasons will be ones which I myself have given in the past. Some of the reasons will be ones that I’ve heard confessed by fellow Christian men over a late-night beer. Others will come from my observations of the various faith communities of which I have been a part. Many of these reasons will not necessarily be good reasons, but they will be reasons nonetheless…
I hope that there’ll be a lot of feedback and discussion in the Comment Box. I think this is a conversation that really needs to happen… The future of the human race depends upon it! 😉
I am so anticipating your theories.
Bring on the excuses. 😉
Oh, this is strictly entertainment for me…for now anyway. I don’t doubt “Discernment” will be one of the “reasons”, which is a very good reason.
Besides, I recall telling a friend of mine when I first started discerning…”The lack of men asking women out is driving us women to discern the possiblities of Religious Life which will leave the men no choice but to enter Priesthood”
God finds the remedy to all situations. hehehe 😉
Yeah, I figured that if I was going to actually write this then a little bit of discernment immunity wouldn’t hurt 😉
I like where this is going. BRING IT.
I like the certain militant quality to your comment… 😉
you totally left us hanging with this post!! and I would think that the Capt of the Titanic is the very first person I would go to for advice on what not to do near an iceberg… In other words, you have my vote of complete confidence 🙂
Yeah, the purpose of this post was to make sure that I don’t back out of doing it!
The posts for the rest of the week are done and dusted, so I’m going to spend my time this week tidying up the first post in this series. Full steam ahead!
If we are sticking with the Titanic imagery, is “full steam ahead” really appropriate phrasing?
And another thing, thanks to you, Celine Dion wont leave my head. Curse Jack and Rose.
I personally thought it made it even more appropriate
Super glad to see that the topic is finally making its debut. 🙂
See? Who says nagging doesn’t work? 😉
http://www.6stonejars.com/index.cfm/2011/6/4/Confirmed-Bachelor-Why-Good-Men-Stay-Single
Maybe we should have had this panel at the retreat? ha! 🙂
I think it’d be amusing to watch someone else try to do that 😉
Looking forward to this, DB! 😉
Maybe this will spin-off a female perspective blog via the compilations of the ladies. It could be an interesting & thought-provoking debate for all 🙂
That’s what the Comment Box is for 🙂
I’ll offer some scenarios based some on my experience and what I’ve seen:
* assuming he is a “good man” (as opposed to a “nice boy”), he may simply be looking for friendship and not a relationship
* why is he looking for friendship?
* he wants to build a long lasting relationship
* he’s tried asking out upfront and it didn’t work
* he wants to learn if she is compatible
* possible reasons why is he not pursuing?
* the devil attacks what is good
* he’s not fully informed on how to properly court a woman
* he expects more of himself for her
* he sees her not spiritually compatible
* he doesn’t know she’s catholic, haha
* she does not avail herself
* she is not upfront and honest
* she does not pray enough for him (haha, semi-joking)
* she plays too hard to get (I mean, do keep the standards high, but throw us a bone sometimes!)
* it’s neither he or she, there’s not enough places where they can mingle on a regular basis
* he’s in perpetual “discernment” but really it’s more about being afraid to commit
* he’s not in discernment, but she doesn’t practice her faith
* he’s not in discernment, but she doesn’t know herself
* he’s not in discernment, but she’s too hurt inside to give
* he’s not in discernment, and he’s happy to be alone to grow in the love of God
* he’s not in discernment, and he feels he needs to attend to other obligations first
I guess I am the first man to offer some of myself. Thoughts?
Not that catholic girls don’t come up with similar absurd excuses…but I think we have all forgotten (myself included) one key thing…to quote Carrie Underwood, “Let God take the wheel.”
We are all putting up roadblocks or restrictions, so to speak, on God’s blessings, which we need to remember to be open in accepting or we’ll miss out on so much more!
I agree on being open in accepting and letting “God take the wheel”; I’m accepting God’s will which could mean not being in a relationship and I’m ok with that.
Sure, if the opportunity comes I’m open to it, but see, I don’t think ladies like that answer and I wouldn’t either: I want her to be interested in me, and not just “open” about being with me.
So, I’ve made the conscious decision to not be in relationships and just focus on growing in the love of Love (God) for now; that’s the endpoint of marriage. Friendships are great and that’s where I trust God will provide, and He always provides what we need.
God is full of surprises so I’ll let Him surprise me.
Are you suggesting otherwise? Should I ask out every single catholic woman I know? Each one is beautiful in their unique way. Good fences make good neighbors.
Let’s experiment, haha. Carrie, would you like to join me for lunch? I don’t know what you mean by saying my comments are “absurd excuses”
You missed your opportunity dude – she’s on her way back to DC…
* he doesn’t know she’s catholic, haha
You laugh, but that one’s perfect valid but never thought of as a good reason. Not all of us are lucky enough to be parishes with a ‘singles scene’ (if one pardons the phrase) or even many/any single women of applicable age, so a bit-older Single Catholic Man (past college, or even those in school but in a secular university for specific academic/curricular or other reasons) does need to learn which women he encounters are and aren’t Catholic — and which of those might be just Cultural Catholics — and asking random women he meets their religion and morality isn’t a good start to a friendship OR relationship. As we age, our circles of association change dramatically (and many of us don’t have tight circles to begin with), so we can’t count on being matched-up, especially as friends marry off and leave.
So yes, not being able to guess whether a women one meets and feels some initial chemistry with is Catholic IS a problem that comes up (I faced it this very afternoon!) that other marry-within-the-faith groups like Jews have a somewhat easier time with due to more endogamy among the faith (versus the varied global pool of Catholics).
> …and asking random women he meets their religion and morality isn’t a good start to a friendship OR relationship
One solution is to just make friends and then over the course of the friendship make some weekend plans… “How about we go to brunch after Mass?” 🙂
> …so we can’t count on being matched-up, especially as friends marry off and leave
I think this is actually something too many single people forget about. Married friends are perfectly placed to find you a spouse! I recall seeing somewhere that it’s statistically likely, too.
It’s often revealing to see who your friends think is a good match for you. If nothing else, it leads to a funny story or two… (I’ve been setup by married friends in the past and I’m please to say that they certainly had good taste)