{"id":6710,"date":"2013-08-26T07:00:43","date_gmt":"2013-08-26T14:00:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/?p=6710"},"modified":"2018-02-09T18:00:38","modified_gmt":"2018-02-10T01:00:38","slug":"analysis-paralysis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/2013\/08\/26\/analysis-paralysis\/","title":{"rendered":"Catholic Dating: Analysis Paralysis"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft\" src=\"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/10\/man-woman.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"128\" height=\"130\" \/>This post will be a little longer than usual. Today I will be closing\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/tag\/catholic-dating\/?order=asc\" target=\"_blank\">the series<\/a>\u00a0by offering some final thoughts on some of the issues I\u00a0see within the Catholic dating world.<\/p>\n<p>Why is it that there don&#8217;t seem to be many Catholic couples dating and, by extension, why is the number of couples receiving the Sacrament of Matrimony plummeting?<\/p>\n<p>As I&#8217;ve mentioned before, there are many different, complicated explanations as to why this is so, but today I would like to focus on the subject of\u00a0<b>analysis paralysis<\/b>, as well as our <strong>attitude towards dating and courtship<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p><span class=\"embed-youtube\" style=\"text-align:center; display: block;\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" class=\"youtube-player\" width=\"860\" height=\"484\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/A_yh879lu7M?version=3&#038;rel=1&#038;showsearch=0&#038;showinfo=1&#038;iv_load_policy=1&#038;fs=1&#038;hl=en-US&#038;autohide=2&#038;wmode=transparent\" allowfullscreen=\"true\" style=\"border:0;\" sandbox=\"allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-popups allow-presentation allow-popups-to-escape-sandbox\"><\/iframe><\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\"><!--more--><\/p>\n<h2>&#8220;Why so serious?!&#8221;<\/h2>\n<p>A guy who takes his faith seriously and who is seeking to live an authentic Christian life which exemplifies the virtue of chastity is likely to take dating extremely seriously. He will not embark upon it lightly, and he will give serious thought to a date&#8217;s suitability as a <a href=\"http:\/\/thechristianpundit.org\/2012\/08\/15\/it\/\" target=\"_blank\">potential wife<\/a>.\u00a0As the Bible\u00a0suggests, such a woman is not always easy to find&#8230; \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px\"><span style=\"color: #993300\"><em>Who can find a good wife? She is worth more than rubies&#8230;<\/em>\u00a0&#8211; Proverbs 31:10<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">A very similar dynamic may be found among many of the ladies of my acquaintance. They take dating very seriously and consider\u00a0carefully any romantic advances which come their way.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"text-align: left\">The Perfect Woman<\/h2>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">Such seriousness is good and admirable.\u00a0However, there is a distinct danger of a phenomenon known as <em>&#8220;analysis paralysis&#8221;<\/em>. In the case of dating, this is when a guy so deeply analyzes potential dates ahead of time that he inevitably finds\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/blog.adw.org\/2012\/09\/on-delayed-marriage-and-when-the-perfect-is-the-enemy-of-the-good\/\" target=\"_blank\">some fault<\/a>\u00a0with each and every candidate in his perpetual search for the <a href=\"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/2011\/08\/12\/the-ideal-woman\/\" target=\"_blank\">&#8220;perfect&#8221;<\/a>\u00a0woman.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" src=\"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Benedick-Joss.jpg\" alt=\"Benedick - Joss\" width=\"440\" height=\"238\" \/><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center\"><span style=\"color: #333399\"><em>&#8220;One woman is fair, yet I am well;\u00a0another is wise, yet I am well;<br \/>\nanother virtuous, yet I am well;\u00a0but till\u00a0<span style=\"text-decoration: underline\">all<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>graces<\/span> be in\u00a0<span style=\"text-decoration: underline\">one\u00a0woman<\/span>,<br \/>\none woman shall not come in my grace!&#8221;<br \/>\n<\/em>&#8211; Benedick, A Much Ado About Nothing<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">By placing each potential date under such scrutiny, the guy will always find some reason or other not to date her. To make matters worse, he&#8217;s often making these decisions from a position of relative ignorance of the lady in question.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"text-align: left\">The Perfect Man<\/h2>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">I would propose that the ladies can possibly suffer from something similar, overthinking things somewhat. Maybe I&#8217;m wrong here, but sometimes I get the impression that some girls will not accept an invitation for a date unless the person asking her is a combination of Brad Pitt and Jesus, all rolled into one. Like the &#8220;perfect&#8221; woman, this is an unrealistic expectation!<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-21813 aligncenter\" src=\"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Beatrice-Joss.jpg\" alt=\"Beatrice - Joss\" width=\"440\" height=\"238\" srcset=\"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Beatrice-Joss.jpg 600w, https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Beatrice-Joss-300x162.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 440px) 100vw, 440px\" \/><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center\"><span style=\"color: #333399\"><em>&#8220;[I shall not marry] &#8230;till God make men of some other metal than\u00a0earth&#8221;<\/em><br \/>\n&#8211; Beatrice, A Much Ado About Nothing <\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">I remember one time when a female friend of mine told me that she was rather concerned about a certain guy in our group. She said that she thought he was interested in her romantically and that he would probably soon ask her out. <em>I<\/em> was rather shocked by <em>her<\/em> horror at this possibility! The gentleman in question was, in my own opinion, an extremely excellent man. She should be so lucky! What&#8217;s more, his good qualities stood out all the more when contrasted with some of the rather suspect guys I knew she had recently dated. \ud83d\ude41<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">It is common to hear men castigated for their shallowness and their propensity to find fault with women, but does something similar also happen on the other side of the gender divide?<\/p>\n<h2>Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?<\/h2>\n<p>My posts in this series have been based upon some underlying assumptions and, although it&#8217;s overdue, I should perhaps pause the discussion for a moment and briefly articulate them. I have been assuming my own &#8220;model&#8221; of dating here. In particular, I have assumed certain meanings behind certain words.<\/p>\n<p>The understanding of the words\u00a0<em>&#8220;dating&#8221;<\/em>\u00a0and\u00a0<em>&#8220;courtship&#8221;<\/em>\u00a0can vary quite considerably between different people.\u00a0For example, I think most of us are well acquainted with the world&#8217;s understanding of such terms. In the secular world, &#8220;courtship&#8221; is an arcane term used to describe something our grandparents did when they were young. When it comes to &#8220;dating&#8221;, the world gives it no specific meaning or boundaries, instead using it to describe anything from a casual cup of coffee to\u00a0sexual\u00a0intimacy.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-21846 aligncenter\" src=\"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/The-Ball.jpg\" alt=\"The Ball\" width=\"440\" height=\"232\" srcset=\"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/The-Ball.jpg 440w, https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/The-Ball-300x158.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 440px) 100vw, 440px\" \/><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center\"><span style=\"color: #333399\"><em>Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,\u00a0Men were deceivers ever,<\/em><\/span><br \/>\n<span style=\"color: #333399\"> <em>One foot in sea and one on shore,\u00a0To one thing constant never<\/em><\/span><br \/>\n<span style=\"color: #333399\"> &#8211; Balthasar, Much Ado About Nothing<\/span><\/p>\n<p>In <em>my<\/em> model, &#8220;dating&#8221; describes the process through which a guy and girl get to know one another better. It is casual, non-physical and non-exclusive. Large group settings are a great place to begin getting to know someone, but this has its limitations and isn&#8217;t always possible, hence the need for dating. At a later point,\u00a0the friendship transitions from &#8220;dating&#8221; to &#8220;courtship&#8221;. This may happen after the couple has spoken together about moving forward, but certainly once there&#8217;s physical intimacy such as the first kiss. The relationship now becomes exclusive and the couple begin to consider more seriously whether they are called together in the vocation of marriage.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-21850 aligncenter\" src=\"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Don-Pedro.jpg\" alt=\"Leonato\" width=\"440\" height=\"239\" srcset=\"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Don-Pedro.jpg 440w, https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Don-Pedro-300x162.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 440px) 100vw, 440px\" \/><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center\"><span style=\"color: #333399\"><em>By my troth, my lord, I cannot tell what to think\u00a0of it but that she loves him with an enraged\u00a0affection: it is past the infinite of thought!<\/em><\/span><br \/>\n<span style=\"color: #333399\"> &#8211; Leonato, Much Ado About Nothing<\/span><\/p>\n<p>However, &#8220;my&#8221; model is not the only one out there. Some Catholics will, in good faith, disagree with my definitions, as well as with the process I described above. That&#8217;s okay! We are not all identical. We don&#8217;t all have the same strengths, weakness, tendencies or histories. Therefore, I can very much understand that some people would benefit from a different style of dating\/courtship.<\/p>\n<p>For example, some people would pretty much discard the term &#8220;dating&#8221; altogether, dismissing it as a secular concept. Instead, they would affirm that a guy and a girl should <em>only<\/em> get to know one another in exclusively\u00a0group settings. If the guy would like to pursue a lady, then he must request the permission of the lady&#8217;s father or priest. At this point the couple would enter into &#8220;courtship&#8221; and a period of intense marriage discernment.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" src=\"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Claudio.jpg\" alt=\"Claudio\" width=\"440\" height=\"239\" \/><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center\"><span style=\"color: #333399\"><em>&#8220;In mine eye she is the sweetest lady that ever I looked on&#8221;<\/em><\/span><br \/>\n<span style=\"color: #333399\"> &#8211; Claudio, Much Ado About Nothing<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Why am I saying this? I am talking about this because I think that we very often get our wires crossed because we use the same words but with different understanding of what those words mean, and this causes us all kinds of grief. It is dangerous to assume that everyone will have the same understanding of dating as yourself, which brings us back to that troublesome issue of communication again!<\/p>\n<p>I would suggest that, if you have certain expectations as to how you would like to date or be dated, then it&#8217;s good to communicate these expectations clearly up front (or just write a blog <a href=\"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/tag\/catholic-dating\">series<\/a> about it ;-)).<\/p>\n<p>So, with this said, let&#8217;s return to the main topic of this post&#8230;<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"text-align: left\">A culture of dancing<\/h2>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">I have taught partner dancing for some time, mainly salsa and swing. When I teach, I always remind the ladies that when a guy invites her to dance, it&#8217;s just that, an invitation to dance. It is not to a proposal of marriage, nor is it an invitation to start picking out throw pillows and cushions for their future house together! I suggest, therefore, that the lady graciously accept any kind invitations to dance.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">I labour this point for a very practical reason. If a guy asks a girl to dance and it&#8217;s generally expected that she&#8217;ll say &#8220;yes&#8221;, then more guys will ask girls to dance. The danger of rejection and humiliation has been reduced! As a result, more people will get out on the dancefloor and enjoy themselves. The evening of dancing will be light-hearted and drama will be kept to a minimum.<\/p>\n<h2>Because &#8220;Having a date&#8221; doesn&#8217;t mean &#8220;Setting a date&#8221;&#8230;<\/h2>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">In a similar way, sometimes I think some Catholics need to remember that a date is just that, a date. I&#8217;m not advocating a worldly style of dating here, but I do think that we could lighten things up a little, at least in the early stages.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left\">My advice to the male readers, particularly those of the &#8220;overthinking&#8221; variety, is to regard a date as simply an opportunity to get to know a lady better. You take a girl out, buy her some ice-cream or a nice cup of tea, and talk to her. If all goes well, repeat!<\/p>\n<p>Likewise, I would suggest to the ladies that if a guy asks you out, unless you have a good reason why you shouldn&#8217;t do so, graciously accept the invitation. In an\u00a0<a title=\"Catholic Dating: Fear of rejection\" href=\"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/2013\/08\/04\/datin-fear\/\">earlier post<\/a>, I urged the guys to &#8220;take a chance&#8221; and I now offer the ladies the same exhortation. What do you have to lose? At worst, you&#8217;ll get a free meal and perhaps a funny first date &#8220;fail&#8221; story.<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px\"><span style=\"color: #333399\"><em>&#8220;I hated being single. You know when you ask someone out and they shoot you down? Really what they&#8217;re saying is, &#8216;You know what? I don&#8217;t even feel like eating a free meal around you&#8221;\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px\"><span style=\"color: #333399\">&#8211; Jim Gaffigan<\/span><\/p>\n<p>But what happens if the date goes badly but he still asks you out again? Well, I&#8217;d suggest that you politely thank him but decline the invitation, saying that you don&#8217;t see things romantically progressing further between the two of you. At least you gave him a chance. However, you never know&#8230;it might go well and be the beginning of a beautiful relationship \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-21814 aligncenter\" src=\"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Benedick-and-Beatrice-Joss.jpg\" alt=\"A081_C005_1017RU\" width=\"440\" height=\"293\" srcset=\"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Benedick-and-Beatrice-Joss.jpg 600w, https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Benedick-and-Beatrice-Joss-300x200.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 440px) 100vw, 440px\" \/><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center\"><span style=\"color: #333399\"><em>&#8220;Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably.\u201d<\/em><\/span><br \/>\n<span style=\"color: #333399\"> &#8211; Benedick, A Much Ado About Nothing<\/span><\/p>\n<p>This is the last entry in the series. There may be another post or two that appears in the future, but for the time being, I&#8217;m done.\u00a0I hope I&#8217;ve helped shed a little bit of light on the subject of Catholic dating from my perspective and got the conversation going. Now all I have to do is take my own advice!<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" src=\"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Dogberry.jpg\" alt=\"Dogberry\" width=\"440\" height=\"248\" \/><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center\"><span style=\"color: #333399\"><em>&#8220;..do not forget to specify, when time and place shall assert, that I am an ass.\u00a0&#8220;<\/em><\/span><br \/>\n<span style=\"color: #333399\"> &#8211; Dogberry, Much Ado About Nothing<\/span><\/p>\n<p>If, as a result of reading this series, you end up getting married, all I ask is that you invite me to the wedding, allow me to propose a toast and that you name your first-born child after me. It would be much appreciated \ud83d\ude00<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center\"><em>The article <a title=\"Catholic Dating: Analysis Paralysis\" href=\"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/2013\/08\/26\/analysis-paralysis\/\" target=\"_blank\">Catholic Dating: Analysis Paralysis<\/a>\u00a0first appeared on <a href=\"http:\/\/RestlessPilgrim.net\" target=\"_blank\">RestlessPilgrim.net<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>This post will be a little longer than usual. Today I will be closing\u00a0the series\u00a0by offering some final thoughts on some of the issues I\u00a0see within the Catholic dating world. Why is it that there don&#8217;t seem to be many Catholic couples dating and, by extension, why is the number of couples receiving the Sacrament of Matrimony plummeting? As I&#8217;ve<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[2390,2324,369,2389,708,2969],"class_list":["post-6710","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-faith","tag-bravery","tag-catholic-dating","tag-change","tag-courtship","tag-dancing","tag-featured"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6710","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6710"}],"version-history":[{"count":64,"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6710\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":66931,"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6710\/revisions\/66931"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6710"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6710"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6710"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}