{"id":6691,"date":"2013-08-08T09:00:11","date_gmt":"2013-08-08T16:00:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/?p=6691"},"modified":"2017-03-05T18:35:55","modified_gmt":"2017-03-06T01:35:55","slug":"dating-friends-first","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/2013\/08\/08\/dating-friends-first\/","title":{"rendered":"Catholic Dating: Friends First"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"Continuing our discussion<\/a> concerning the Christian dating scene, today I would like to talk about “Friends First”<\/em><\/span> dating. I would like to ruminate over some of the advantages of this approach, but I would also like to discuss some of the potential pitfalls, at least as I see them.<\/p>\n

In Christian formation and catechesis, you often hear praise of romantic relationships which were first based on friendship, before the addition of a romantic component. This is what is known as “Friends First”<\/em> dating.<\/p>\n

\"Friends\"The approach certainly has much to commend itself. After all, it makes sense to get to know someone, that person’s character, personality, interests etc., prior to the big rush of hormones and emotions that come with dating.\u00a0The “high” that comes from being in a relationship can leave one blind to the warning signs.\u00a0It’s not hard to find examples of what happens when someone rushes headlong into dating and becomes so emotionally entangled with the other person that it becomes extremely difficult to deal with problems in the relationship, or even to recognize when problems exist.<\/p>\n

I know plenty of\u00a0people who have got together through physical attraction and initial chemistry, only to find out a month or two down the line that there isn’t really anything else on which to base the relationship. To their shock, they\u00a0realize that the other person is<\/em> not the person they thought\u00a0at all<\/em>! After all, it’s not too hard to “hide the crazy”<\/em> for the first few months… \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

“Friends First” Fails<\/h2>\n

As I see it, there are three main potential pitfalls with the Friends First<\/em> approach. I would like to look at each of these in turn and, since it’s currently “Geek Week”<\/a> on YouTube, I’ve chosen to illustrate each of these pitfalls with a picture from my favourite geeky TV show,\u00a0The Big Bang Theory<\/a>\u00a0\ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

Fail #1: Friends First, “Friend Zone” Forever<\/strong>
\nFor shy guys, the Friends First<\/em> strategy plays right into their wheelhouse. Wait a while before asking the girl out? Sure thing!\u00a0Take things nice and slow? It’ll be at a snail’s pace! Don’t look her directly in the eyes at any point? Now we’re talking!<\/p>\n

\"Say-yes\"With this approach, it’s very easy for a guy actually never\u00a0to make a move, finding himself in a perpetual\u00a0“Friend Zone”<\/a>.\u00a0He may very much enjoy his friendship with the girl and may very much want to move things forward. However, due to fear<\/a>, he never does anything to make it happen.\u00a0He may even manage to convince himself that things are<\/em> progressing, but in reality his glacial pace will simply mean that he’ll miss his chance when a less inhibited guy steps up and pursues her properly.<\/p>\n

In response to this, I can only really offer the encouragement I gave in an earlier post<\/a>. Guys, if it’s worth the risk, then you’re just going to have to put yourself out there and take a chance. You never know,\u00a0she might even say “Yes”<\/a>\u00a0\ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

Fail #2: Miscommunication & Hiding behind ambiguity<\/b>
\nI would suggest that the main difficulty with the Friends First<\/em>\u00a0approach is that it is prone to miscommunication. What is the girl meant to think by the guy’s attention? Is he just being a friend, or does he have intentions of eventually\u00a0taking things further? She might even be regarding the time they’re spending together as “dating”…. \ud83d\ude41<\/p>\n

\"SecretWhen a female friend asks me to read the mind of some guy(!), I generally tell her just\u00a0to accept the friendship at face value, but if it starts becoming really ambiguous, then maybe it’s time to have a chat and\u00a0define the relationship<\/a>. Personally, I hate<\/span> having this conversation, but sometimes it’s just necessary to clear up misunderstandings and miscommunications. It’s often awkward and pride is sometimes bruised, but it’s always better in the long run.<\/p>\n

So guys, if you’re asking a lady out, make it clear that it’s a date. Ladies, if the invitation is unclear and you’re not sure if it’s a date, why not ask?<\/p>\n

Fail #3: Friends First, Enemies Later<\/strong>
\nThere is a consequence to dating someone who is your friend. Although you have more of a foundation on which to build, more is at stake.<\/p>\n

\"TheIf you break up, you lose not only a girlfriend, but you may lose an extremely dear friend. During break-ups there is often talk of “staying friends”<\/em>, but I’d say that it is rare that this actually happens. The pain of the break-up is usually too strong for at least one member of the former couple. Either that, or one of them will harbour unrealistic hopes of a reunion at some point in the future.<\/p>\n

This reason, coupled together with the close nature of faith communities<\/a>, makes it rather appealing for a guy simply to date someone with whom he is not<\/em> such good friends and who even is outside his faith community. It’s simpler. It carries less risk. It’s far easier to ask out the waitress at a restaurant than it is to ask out someone whom you’ll see at Mass every Sunday.<\/p>\n

I have suffered most of the problems described above. I have waited too long.\u00a0I have had ladies misinterpret my friendship and I have misinterpreted the friendship of others.\u00a0More painfully, I have become romantically involved with good friends and things didn’t work out. The consequences to this have varied. After one break-up, I was cut out of her life completely. In another, I was demoted to “acquaintance” status. However, I have also had a failed romantic attempt transform into a good friendship. It’s nice to know that it is, in fact, possible… \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

Despite these pitfalls, I’d say that I’m still pretty much a\u00a0Friends First<\/em>\u00a0kind of guy. Upon meeting someone who interests me romantically, I set about making that person my new best friend and, if things go well, then ask her out. I think the benefits of this approach outweigh the potential problems and most of the possible issues can be alleviated with a little bit of prudence and some good communication.<\/p>\n

\n

Joey:<\/strong>\u00a0“Well, the reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great is because they were friends first. Y’know? So I asked myself, ‘Who are my friends?’ You and Phoebe, and I saw you first. So…”<\/p>\n

Rachel:<\/strong>\u00a0“What are you saying?”<\/p>\n

Joey:<\/strong>\u00a0“I’m saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch”<\/p>\n

Rachel:\u00a0<\/strong>“Y’know honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as I am that uh, you saw me first, uhh, I just, I-I don’t think we should be cranking anything up.”<\/p>\n

Joey:<\/strong>\u00a0“I’ll treat you real nice.”<\/p>\n

[Pulls out a chair for her]<\/p>\n

[Rachel laughs and pushes the chair back in]<\/p>\n

Rachel:<\/strong>\u00a0“Yeah, well, y’know umm… No honey, listen I think it’s a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but I think the way you do it is y’know you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don’t hit on your existing friends!”<\/p>\n

Joey:<\/strong>\u00a0“Won’t-won’t that take longer?”<\/p>\n

Rachel:<\/strong>\u00a0“Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but once you find it, ohh it’s so worth the wait.”<\/p>\n

Joey:<\/strong>\u00a0“Yeah. I understand. I understand.<\/p>\n

[Pause]<\/p>\n

Joey:<\/strong> “Man…I wish I saw Phoebe first…”<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Agree? Disagree? Please share your thoughts in the Comment Box below!<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

The article Catholic Dating: Friends First<\/a> first appeared on RestlessPilgrim.net<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

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