{"id":55398,"date":"2015-02-21T09:00:55","date_gmt":"2015-02-21T16:00:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/?p=55398"},"modified":"2015-03-19T22:33:51","modified_gmt":"2015-03-20T05:33:51","slug":"virgin-regret-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/2015\/02\/21\/virgin-regret-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Virgin Regret (Part 2): Abstinence or Chastity?"},"content":{"rendered":"

In my previous post<\/a> I began to talk\u00a0about a post which I saw on Facebook written by a girl named Samantha. She was raised a Christian and remained a virgin until her wedding night, but now regrets her decision<\/a>\u00a0and has since left the Faith.\u00a0In this post I would like to comment upon something which I noticed as I read her story…<\/p>\n

\"Wedding\"<\/p>\n

Abstinence vs. Chastity<\/h2>\n

As I read Samantha’s article, I found the most\u00a0striking feature of her narrative to be her\u00a0repeated use, in some form or another, of the words “abstinence”\u00a0and “virgin”. \u00a0Now, since the\u00a0article was\u00a0about her\u00a0decision to save sex\u00a0until marriage, one might say that this is hardly surprising. However,\u00a0to Catholics who have been formed in\u00a0“Theology Of The Body”<\/em>, this kind of language sets off alarms bells. You see, in Catholicism we draw very clear distinctions between those\u00a0words\u00a0and another word which will appear many\u00a0times in this series, “chastity”.<\/p>\n

If a guy\u00a0tells me he is\u00a0“abstinent”, it doesn’t really tell me a lot. All I can say for sure is\u00a0that he\u00a0currently isn’t having\u00a0sex. What it doesn’t tell me is why<\/strong>. \u00a0If he tells me he\u00a0is a “virgin”, then I know that he has always<\/strong> been abstinent, but\u00a0again it doesn’t tell me\u00a0why<\/strong>… Maybe he has terrible breath? Maybe he’s\u00a0a Star Trek nerd\u00a0who serenades girls in Klingon on the first date? (This, by the way, is something I recommend saving exclusively for marriage)<\/em><\/p>\n

So, the words “abstinence” and “virginity” really don’t tell us\u00a0a whole lot.\u00a0“Chastity”, on the other hand, tells us\u00a0much more. Chastity is a virtue, in much the same way as honesty or courage<\/strong>. Chastity nurtures\u00a0holiness and protects\u00a0love from\u00a0selfishness. If a man\u00a0is pursuing\u00a0the virtue of chastity, then he\u00a0loves authentically, seeking the good of those whom he loves, even at the expense of his own convenience or immediate personal gratification.<\/p>\n

Abstinence and virginity will tell me that a person doesn’t have sex, but it tells\u00a0me very little else. For example, someone who is physically abstinent may, in fact, view women as objects of lust. Likewise, someone\u00a0who is\u00a0technically a virgin may\u00a0have compromised himself\u00a0by engaging in countless sexually arousing activities, even if it has never resulted in the full intercourse. This stands in stark contrast to chastity. Someone who is chaste does not view women as objects to be used, but rather as people to be loved. Someone who is chaste doesn’t seek for what he can get<\/em> out of a relationship, but rather what he can give<\/em>.<\/p>\n

People often think that abstinence, virginity and chastity are the same thing. They are not. Not all virgins are chaste,\u00a0and not all who are chaste are necessarily virgins.\u00a0Both abstinence and virginity\u00a0speak about the past<\/strong>, whereas chastity speaks about the present<\/strong>. For example, someone may have been involved in sexual relationships in high school, but has\u00a0since decided to live a life of chastity. Not only that, even within\u00a0marriage<\/strong> one is called to be chaste, to love husband or wife rightly. Abstinence may end with a wedding, but it is chastity which\u00a0forges a strong marriage.<\/p>\n

Samantha’s Formation<\/h2>\n

As I read through Samantha’s\u00a0article, I got the impression that the\u00a0distinctions described in the previous section\u00a0were\u00a0not present in\u00a0this young girl’s formation. For example, here is how she spoke about her pledge:<\/p>\n

\u201c…I make a commitment…to be sexually abstinent from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship. As well as abstaining from sexual thoughts, sexual touching, pornography, and actions that are known to lead to sexual arousal.\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

This is just a long list of “no”s. She promised to say “no” to this and “no” to that. Chastity isn’t a “no” to sex, but a “yes” to love, a seeking of authenticity in friendships, relationships and marriage.<\/p>\n

Later in her article, Samantha outlined the twisted\u00a0understanding of sexual purity which was presented to her:<\/p>\n

“I learned that as a girl, I had a responsibility to my future husband to remain pure for him. It was entirely possible that my future husband wouldn\u2019t remain pure for me, because he didn\u2019t have that same responsibility, according to the Bible”<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

I consider myself pretty well-versed in various wacky beliefs held by different Christian groups, but I’ll admit I hadn’t heard this one before. Since when is purity just for girls?! Regardless, with this warped understanding of purity, Samantha\u00a0described\u00a0her dating life:<\/p>\n

“I wondered where the line was because I was terrified to cross it. Was he allowed to touch my breasts? Could we look at each other naked? I didn\u2019t know what was considered sexual enough to condemn my future marriage and send me straight to Hell”<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

As soon as one enters into this “How far can I go?” thinking, chastity has long since departed. When Samantha\u00a0told her boyfriend\u00a0that she was saving herself for marriage we are told that “he was fine with that because it was my body, my choice and he loved me”<\/span>.\u00a0<\/em>If bodily autonomy was\u00a0his main reason for not engaging with her sexually, then that’s a far cry from the virtue of chastity. If his motivation was chastity, then it would have\u00a0been real love compelling him to postpone sex until marriage, in order that he could seek what was\u00a0truly best for her\u00a0and her future husband.<\/p>\n

Part 1<\/a> | Part 2 | Part 3<\/a> | Part 4<\/a> | Part 5<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In my previous post I began to talk\u00a0about a post which I saw on Facebook written by a girl named Samantha. She was raised a Christian and remained a virgin until her wedding night, but now regrets her decision\u00a0and has since left the Faith.\u00a0In this post I would like to comment upon something which I noticed as I read her<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":55413,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[28,17],"tags":[1026,276,410,2969,1845,348,3122,2889,3132],"class_list":["post-55398","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-apologetics","category-faith","tag-abstinence","tag-catholic","tag-chastity","tag-featured","tag-john-paul-ii","tag-protestant","tag-samantha-pugsley","tag-virginity","tag-virginregretseries"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/02\/WeddingBAnner.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/55398","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=55398"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/55398\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":55771,"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/55398\/revisions\/55771"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/55413"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=55398"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=55398"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/restlesspilgrim.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=55398"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}