TO MARY VAN DEUSEN: On how one responds to the diagnosis of serious illness and on four strategies for coping.
10 April 1959
I have just had Sister Hildegarde’s letter. My heart goes out to you. You are now just where I was a little over two years ago—they wrongly diagnosed Joy’s condition as uremia before they discovered cancer of the bone.
I know all the different ways in which it gets one: wild hopes, bitter nostalgia for lost happiness, mere physical terror turning one sick, agonised pity and self-pity. In fact, Gethsemane. I had one (paradoxical) support which you lack—that of being in severe pain myself. Apart from that what helped Joy and me through it was:
1. That she was always told the whole truth about her own state. There was no miserable pretence. That means that both can face it side-by-side, instead of becoming something like adversaries in a battle-of-wits.
2. Take it day by day and hour by hour (as we took the front line). It is quite astonishing how many happy—even gay—moments we had together when there was no hope.
3. Don’t think of it as something sent by God. Death and disease are the work of the Devil. It is permitted by God: i.e., our General has put you in a fort exposed to enemy fire.
4. Remember other sufferers. It’s fatal to start thinking ‘Why should this happen to us when everyone else is so happy.’ You are (I was and may be again) one of a huge company. Of course we shall pray for you all we know how.
This week Matt and I read some more mail from listeners. This week we get some constructive criticism! We’re going to be talking about charity and suffering…
Why if God is truly all Holy, all Loving and all-knowing does evil, injustice and suffering exist? Why do bad things happen to good people? Should evil be allowed to exist?
Before we discuss evil and suffering at a deeper level, we must discuss free will. God gave us the capacity to freely choose between Him and goodness or the world and evil. Adam and Eve were already made in the image and likeness of God. Satan tricked Eve tempting her to just eat this and “you will become like God.” As a result, Adam and Eve rebelled choosing their own path, the path of disunion and ultimately, death. God did not create evil, but by giving us the capacity to choose, he allowed us to choose it freely and thus evil entered the world.
Why does God allow evil to seemingly flourish? Wouldn’t a truly loving God intervene? Miraculous interventions do occur occasionally, but rarely. If miracles weren’t rare, wouldn’t we quickly take them for granted? To prevent evil, God would have to constantly interfere with the exercise of free will. God does not want robots, he wants his flesh and blood, beautifully made, but sometimes rebellious children to turn away from their own path and to live a life of self-sacrificial love for the other.
God wants us to freely choose to live our lives in communion with Him and our fellow man. Our Byzantine Catholic Faith teaches we can live a “grace filled” life of self-sacrificial love where lives and persons are transformed by the healing touch of His Sacred Mysteries. Love desires to be loved for its own sake. True love requires sacrifice, as in the parable of grain of wheat. When we die to self, new life comes forth in abundance.
I’ve seen this floating around the Internet in various forms and loved it so much that I’ve reproduced it here in its entirety, rather than simply linking to one of the many sources…
A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her – her husband had cheated on her and she was devastated. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, ‘Tell me what you see.’
‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.
Her grandmother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The grandmother then asked the granddaughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the grandmother asked the granddaughter to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked, ‘What does it mean, grandmother?’
Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain… When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?
How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
